My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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