I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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