why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
