um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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