Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
