Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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