I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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