If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Randomize
