she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
