they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
