Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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