So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Randomize
