Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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