Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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