We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
