she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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