I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
