Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
