took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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