I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
