I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
