I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
They took my balls.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Randomize
