Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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