i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
