I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize