guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
a search helicopter?!
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
