I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
