hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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