K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
