oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
