i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
time to smoke my breakfast
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
