I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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