Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
