I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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