I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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