And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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