my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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