Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
