Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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