God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
