You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
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