Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
