i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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