All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You are a genius and a whore.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Randomize
