ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
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