I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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