why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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