my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize
