Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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