Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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